I Never Got the Chance to Tell You How I Feel
by Jbsullivan17
Summary: ...It took Clarke a minute to realize that "her" was Octavia. "Bell, you can't..." Clarke sighed, knowing that whatever logic she was going to throw at him will be a waste but also knew she'd regret not giving it a real try, to make him see that it wasn't his fault. "Pike was the one with a vendetta against the Grounders, not you..."


Clarke awoke in her tent, she grimaced, knowing that today was the day that they're going to cross into Azgeda. They're going to see King Roan, she doesn't hate him, doesn't have any resentment from him, he made up for kidnapping her. But there is the fact that he _hates_ Bellamy and Bellamy _hates_ him. Bellamy yelled at her once he started talking to everyone again after Octavia left.

It felt like eternity to Clarke, not hearing his voice, not arguing with him. He'd go through the motions, stand guard at the gate, eat meals with their friends at their table, the bonfire at night. She was okay with him not talking then, he usually didn't join in their jokes and prods, it was mainly when they were in council meetings, discussing what to do about the nuclear plants about to explode. He'd sit there and stare at the maps with the little red, orange and yellow explosions (Raven worked hard on them, a little joke of hers that wasn't funny) and just sat there, listening to Clarke, Abby, Kane and Jaha trying to come up with a plan. She's even tempted him sometimes, saying something completely outlandish and awaited his counter retorts. They never came and she decided to wait him out, be around him whether it was across the room or helping with whatever it was the people of Arkadia were doing where he stationed himself during the day. She never pushed, just wanted him to know that she's there if he ever needs her.

It took him about a month, Clarke remembered it like it was yesterday. She was sitting at the bonfire with the rest of their friends, except Octavia, they're assuming she's with Indra, Kane hasn't spoke about her though. Monty and Harper wrapped in each other next to Miller and Bryan. Jasper was sipping Monty's moonshine, still building up an outrageous tolerance to the potent drink while Raven watched the fire, kicking it with her foot every once in a while, Clarke was just about to ask her about her leg when she felt someone tap her shoulder.

She spun her head and looked right into Bellamy's depressed face, cheeks hollowed out, bags under his dark drown eyes. When was the last time he ate, she wondered trying to see if it was lunch or breakfast or even the day before but she didn't remember and it worried her more than the desperation in his eyes. He nodded for her to follow him and she obeyed, stopping around the corner behind a new cabin.

"I—I did this to her," Bellamy said and it took Clarke a minute to realize that "her" was Octavia.

"Bell, you can't…" Clarke sighed, knowing that whatever logic she was going to throw at him will be a waste but also knew she'd regret not giving it a real try, to make him see that it wasn't his fault. "Pike was the one with a vendetta against Grounders, not you. You were pissed about Gina and me that it was easy for you to follow him and his hateful psychobabble. Lincoln was as much Skaikru as the rest of us, if not more. He didn't deserve to be locked up. He didn't deserve to be killed for trying to escape. And it certainly wasn't your fault. You went to the cave to _help_ Octavia and Indra rescue him but they didn't believe you, even after you spared Indra during Pike's vicious crusade through sleeping grounder tents. You can't blame yourself for what he did. And you can't take the blame for Octavia's retaliation."

"She blames me," he said, still totally and completely devoid of emotions.

"Bellamy, if she knew what was going on with the nuclear reactors, she would be here. She'd be helping. She needs time."

"We don't have time, Clarke!" Bellamy yelled right in her face and she stepped back. She wasn't scared, she's not afraid of Bellamy but he hadn't spoke in two weeks and his voice was so soft and breakable but that was rough and steady. Angry and he had a right to be.

"Bellamy—"

"We—you don't have a plan, a real plan. We have five and a half months to save the world _again_ and you don't have a plan."

"I—I was giving you time to grieve, Bellamy. She will be back."

"You said Lincoln was more Skaikru than Trikru, it's the opposite for Octavia. She belongs with them."

"So she's just going to forget about us?" Clarke spat in disbelief.

"I don't know what goes through her head anymore but I do know that we can't go to Azgeda."

"It's the second closest reactor, Bellamy. If we don't get to the ones we can before our time is up, we will not make it."

"Then send me across the ocean with a team and I will—"

"No, Bellamy, if we're going across the ocean, were going to go together. With Raven and Monty and we'll have a sure fire plan. You going without knowing what to do… It won't help anybody."

"I need to do something, Clarke!"

Clarke looked down at his hand on her wrist, gripping her tightly. How did it get there? Was it there the entire time? Is this where they are? So comfortable with each other that they don't even realize they're touching?

"I can't just sit around in council meetings _discussing_ what we should do. We need to go to the plant with Raven and she can teach me how to shut down the reactor."

"Assuming she knows and assuming she's fit for travel. She just got out of surgery."

"I'll drive the rover and she will be in the back. We'll put pillows in or something to make the ride more comfortable for her."

"I don't think pillows are going to help, there aren't exactly paved roads anymore, she'll be tossed around and make her worse."

"Then what… Then we'll get Monty."

Clarke scoffed, "Monty isn't as good as Raven and Sincla—Raven didn't learn everything she needed to. There's still a lot for her to learn so she can't teach Monty what she doesn't know."

Bellamy didn't say anything for a few moments and Clarke feared he turned back to silence. "Where's the closest reactor?" he asked.

"A day north of TonDC."

"So, we'll visit Luna, see how she's doing in her new position as Heda and go from there. Five days max."

"We still need Raven. She can't take four days of traveling."

"Two mattresses in the back of the—"

"Bellamy, no."

"It's not your decision, Clarke! It's Abby's and Raven's."

"What's this?" Raven asked coming around the corner on crutches. She isn't supposed to be out of bed yet but when has Raven ever listened to doctors orders?

"Bellamy wants to go to the reactor but you can't go anywhere."

Raven grimaced, "I can do it."

"Raven—" Clarke grimaced.

"Clarke, we'll bring it up at the council meeting tomorrow morning."

" _You_ will bring it up, Bellamy, they want your input. We haven't pushed because we understand but they need to know that you support some idea, any idea."

But that was a month ago and they stopped the reactor. Raven knows what to do and knows that the next step is going four days without stopping through Azgeda to the next reactor while Monty and Kane takes a team south.

They're about to cross the border into Azgeda and remembered the story of what happened the last time Bellamy and Miller were here, Jasper was drunk and stupidly crossed the grounder making Bellamy shoot him so his people wouldn't die.

"You okay?" he asked next to her, driving the rover through the forest, over the border.

"Yeah, you?"

"Four and a half months and six reactors? Two teams can do it."

"Hell, yeah!" Raven added in the back of the rover, not leaving any room for anyone else so their team is small. Harper, Miller and Bryan went with Monty and Kane.

"How's the leg today?" Clarke asked.

"Sore, I'm bedridden in the back of a bouncing rover, I think it's the best I'm going to get."

"High spirits," Bellamy said loud enough for only Clarke to hear.

"Better than the alternative," Clarke smirked and Bellamy looked over at her. Clarke thought that he's taken the loss of Octavia and switched all his feelings of responsibility and overbearing protection and transferred it to her. And maybe she was half right because he didn't see the tree branch that was laying across the clear path that the rover jolted over and flew Clarke and Raven into the air as Bellamy breakers hard and turned to Clarke to make sure she was okay, cupping her face and checking for any bleeding.

"I'm good too, Bell, thanks!" Raven called, making his singular worrying completely obvious.

"I was getting to you, Reyes," he snapped.

"Mm," Raven smirked, winking at Clarke as Bellamy turned back to the front and drove the rover between the trees.

They were good, mostly, jostled here and there but the day was productive, they stopped and made camp once the sun went down, not wanting to drain the rover's battery before they could recharge it in the morning. They're going to ask for King Roan's help. Just a few men to help guide them to the reactor, which way they can and cannot go due to the terrain.

They were wrong. Well, not completely wrong because they did wind up in a village, just not Roan's because they were caught in a fire fight.

Arrows flying at them in the rover, Bellamy tried shooting back while knowing it wasn't the right thing to do but what else was he supposed to do besides not get shot?

He pushed Clarke into the back with Raven as he fired on the villagers from safe inside the rover until Clarke didn't hear the gunshots anymore. And then the arrows stopped. She tried seeing what happened in the darkness of the rover but didn't see anything.

She moved to the front and expected Bellamy to tell her that he ran out of ammo but instead found an arrow in his chest.

"Bellamy?" she cried.

He was gasping for air as blood dripped out of his mouth, staining his teeth.

"No. No, Bellamy, you can't die. You—you can't!" Tears poured down her face and Bellamy lifted a shaky hand to wipe them away.

" _Princess_ ," he choked. "I—"

Clarke touched his cheek, expecting him to say something, waiting for him to be an asshole as she tried stopping the tears from falling.

"I—" he tried again. "Lo—ove… You," he blinked and Clarke saw his will fading. She was losing him, she can't lose him.

"No, Bellamy! I can't lose you too!"

More blood slipped through his lips and Clarke watched the life leave his eyes and she screamed. She screamed so loud she couldn't even hear it anymore.

Once she lost her voice she pressed her forehead against Bellamy's. "May we meet again," she whispered before kissing his cheek.

She didn't move, she couldn't move. Her co-leader, her best friend, her biggest supporter is gone. She's lost so many people she's cared about that she's starting to feel numb towards the people who haven't been killed. The people she protects. It isn't fair, she's always the one who loses someone. She wouldn't wish it on anybody but she still hates that it's all her and…

"Clarke," she heard Bellamy whisper and she looked at his face. He's void of emotions, of everything, of life, he doesn't look like himself anymore. The freckles dull and his lips pale, she knows it takes longer for a body to cool down but she sees it already. The man she loves is dead and she couldn't even tell him.

"I'm right here," she heard Bellamy say again and she knew it was him because she'd recognize his voice from anywhere but his lips didn't move. "Princess, come back to me," he said and Clarke groaned, shutting her eyes tightly before opening them again slowly.

The room was impossibly bright, how the hell did she get here she was just in the rover with Raven and Bellamy and…

The room came into focus and she realized she was in a bed, a large bed and she wasn't alone. She was staring Bellamy in the face but he was older, he had crows feet in the corners of his his eyes, his black hair was graying and his freckles were impossible to see. This is the Bellamy she knows. "Where were you?"

"We were saving the world. Wrong ice nation village. You got shot."

"I survived," he smiled, looking down at his shoulder under her head. She knows that scar so well, he loves when she bites at it.

"In my dream you didn't."

"Nightmare," he reminded her. People don't dream about death, it's their nightmares.

Clarke nodded curling her head under his chin, snuggling back into him. "I love you."

Bellamy scoffed, "I love you too. Come on, you're watching Hanah today."

Clarke sighed against his pulse, "You're so much better with her."

"I've had over forty years of practice with kids. You don't."

"You were better than me with Astra and Griff."

"You're a doctor, Clarke, they knew how important that was. Griff even took over for you."

"Mm, he also married Echo's daughter," Clarke said disapprovingly.

"Our son is happy, Clarke. He has an amazing daughter, our granddaughter, who's very excited to see what her grandmother does everyday."

"I'm not boring like her grandpa, he reads," she smirked, nipping at his collarbone.

Bellamy scoffs, kissing Clarke sweetly, somewhat lingering. She's gotten used to it the past twenty five years, Bellamy loving her unconditionally, proving it everyday. "Go see your granddaughter, Wanheda."

"I swear if you tell her about that—"

"I didn't, she asked me why you were called it and told her when she's older but I also feel like Echo is going to tell her."

"Bellamy!" Clarke groaned, wanting to roll back over into her pillow but Bellamy grabbed her wrist, pulling her up and out of bed.

"Oh, come on, Princess, stand up to the challenge."

"She doesn't like me how she likes you."

"She likes you plenty, Clarke, come on!"

"Mm, come back to bed with me," she smiled mischievously.

"You know I can't, it's a busy day for me today."

"Politics can shove it, Bell. Just for the next hour. Please," she pulled on his hand, interlaced with hers.

"We are leaving for Polis tomorrow, spend time with your granddaughter, just in case," he said, kissing her forehead and she knew he was right.

Whenever they go to Polis, it could be their last time in Arkadia. They could be ambushed or an accident could happen while traveling or the new Heda could hate them. The options are infinite and she hates that. She hated leaving her children and she hates leaving Hanah but knows that her legacy will live on. Astra is more like her than she knew what to do with, a lot like Octavia too.

"Where's O?" Clarke questioned thinking about her beautiful sister in law.

"Probably running drills," Bellamy said walking to their bathroom, stripping his sleep shirt off, revealing his chiseled back. "Go see your granddaughter!" he commanded before closing the door and turning the shower on.

 _Damn him,_ Clarke thought and got dressed for the day, running to Rav—Astra's room to take a quick shower. She missed her mechanic friend too much.

Walking out of the Arc, Clarke spotted Octavia and Jovi playing with Hanah, her golden hair shining in the sun. "Gamma!" she cooed when she saw Clarke and started running over.

"Hello, my princess," Clarke said picking her up and carrying her back to her mother and Octavia.

"Hey," Octavia smiled and Clarke gave her a tight one back, trying to carry this heavy seven year old on her hip.

"Hanah, you're too big to be carried around anymore. I've told you this," Jovi scolded.

"But Dad and Gampa carry me all the time!"

"That's because they have more muscle mass and secretly hate having to tell you that you're too heavy for them," Octavia laughed, something Clarke hasn't heard in a long time.

"Clarke, where is my brother?"

"Definitely not where I left him. Probably in his office."

Octavia kissed Hanah on her head and left towards the Arc.

"Have a good day, you two," Jovi said kissing her daughter goodbye before heading to the forest to hunt.

"So, Princess, what would you like to do today?" Clarke asked her mini me, as they walked hand in hand through Arkadia, peaceful and happy.

"Tell me about you and Gampa," Hanah said and Clarke smiled. How does she tell her granddaughter that she didn't know how she felt for three years, that he was almost dead when she found him, realizing that since landing on Earth it was always him.

"Okay, did you know that I was a princess?" Clarke asked. Before telling her granddaughter about the dethroned princess and the rebel King and how they were both fools when it came to each other until he was on the brink of death and she used her medical magic to save him. The PG version with the two faced knight, the spiteful queen, the witch, and a shit ton of dragons. What's a fairytale without dragons?


End file.
